It is early in the weekend and I am done with all of my chores and projects. My molest-me shirts have all been ironed. My circus tent dresses have all been taken in. And the natives are restless. I am alone in our room with nothing but the babbling of Dutch Bill in the background and my thoughts. Donald Miller and memoirs of his Nazi death march to the bottom of the Grand Canyon sit next to me in the chair. Noah Calhoun sits on top of Donald, largely being ignored because I am just not that into him right now.
I have felt rather far from God as of late. Anxious and fearful and under attack. I have been trying to do things on my own again. This usually doesn't go for very long anymore though which is good. It shows growth. Growth I have been very grateful for. During Bible roulette this afternoon I was given 1 Corinthians 3:14 by the divine revelation of the Holy Spirit. It says if the work survives, that builder will receive a reward. It is talking about not building a house out of crappy material, so that when the fire (testing) comes it won't burn up in the flames. I think it has something to do with building our foundation on Christ and not the flimsy $1.99 plywood on the World's clearance rack. It goes onto say that even if you do build your house out of crappy material the builder will survive, but he will have to leap through the flames and probably not come out with his eyebrows and arm hair intact. I think this round of roulette applies to the testing I am going through right now. And whether or not I can really hold out for my own Agent Michael Scarn. As C.S. Lewis wrote, "Often we are content to make mudpies when we are being offered a vacation by the sea." Interesting how I have to remind myself that I do not want a Unitarian mudpie when I can have the church of Christ mansion in Malibu.
I am doing Mary's make-up tonight for a party she's going to at Nicolette's. She is so beautiful. She doesn't know how beautiful she is yet. One day she will. One day.
As I have found being the pretty girl isn't always what it's cracked up to be. Sometimes it is used against you. It can attract things and people and lagoon dwellers that one could do without. It can be exploited. Taken apart. Used for evil instead of for good. Sometimes stolen. For many years I cursed the way God made me because of many of the things it brought. I did everything I could to hide His creation from the world.
A month ago I found a severed Calypso Orchid up at the ropes course. It is the most rare and beautiful flower here at camp. It only grows in certain soil because the pH has to be neutralized by a specific fungus.
I held the broken flower on my mitten as we drove down the mountain and wondered why anyone would dare destroy something so beautiful. And God started to speak to me about His creation and that flower and how even though it had been broken and crushed it was still beautiful and still His handiwork. He created it for His pleasure and as a gift to everyone that would see it, that people would glorify Him because of it. That it was His work and artistry and He would make beautiful what He pleases. At that moment I started to feel a little bit like Job. Like God was asking if I knew where He stored the hail or the lightning bolts or if I knew where the boundaries of the universe were or anything about the leviathan for that matter. I don't know the first thing about leviathans. And then I realized that beauty is one of those gifts that God gives to whom He pleases. That like the rain, it falls on both the good and the wicked. And that it is not for me to curse the beauty of the Creation, myself included.
I'm but a breath
I'm just a vapor
I am just a grain of sand in your clay
Lord help me understand the depths to who I am in You
You are God and all that I want.
-Vapor, Lystra's Silence
I have felt rather far from God as of late. Anxious and fearful and under attack. I have been trying to do things on my own again. This usually doesn't go for very long anymore though which is good. It shows growth. Growth I have been very grateful for. During Bible roulette this afternoon I was given 1 Corinthians 3:14 by the divine revelation of the Holy Spirit. It says if the work survives, that builder will receive a reward. It is talking about not building a house out of crappy material, so that when the fire (testing) comes it won't burn up in the flames. I think it has something to do with building our foundation on Christ and not the flimsy $1.99 plywood on the World's clearance rack. It goes onto say that even if you do build your house out of crappy material the builder will survive, but he will have to leap through the flames and probably not come out with his eyebrows and arm hair intact. I think this round of roulette applies to the testing I am going through right now. And whether or not I can really hold out for my own Agent Michael Scarn. As C.S. Lewis wrote, "Often we are content to make mudpies when we are being offered a vacation by the sea." Interesting how I have to remind myself that I do not want a Unitarian mudpie when I can have the church of Christ mansion in Malibu.
I am doing Mary's make-up tonight for a party she's going to at Nicolette's. She is so beautiful. She doesn't know how beautiful she is yet. One day she will. One day.
As I have found being the pretty girl isn't always what it's cracked up to be. Sometimes it is used against you. It can attract things and people and lagoon dwellers that one could do without. It can be exploited. Taken apart. Used for evil instead of for good. Sometimes stolen. For many years I cursed the way God made me because of many of the things it brought. I did everything I could to hide His creation from the world.
A month ago I found a severed Calypso Orchid up at the ropes course. It is the most rare and beautiful flower here at camp. It only grows in certain soil because the pH has to be neutralized by a specific fungus.
I held the broken flower on my mitten as we drove down the mountain and wondered why anyone would dare destroy something so beautiful. And God started to speak to me about His creation and that flower and how even though it had been broken and crushed it was still beautiful and still His handiwork. He created it for His pleasure and as a gift to everyone that would see it, that people would glorify Him because of it. That it was His work and artistry and He would make beautiful what He pleases. At that moment I started to feel a little bit like Job. Like God was asking if I knew where He stored the hail or the lightning bolts or if I knew where the boundaries of the universe were or anything about the leviathan for that matter. I don't know the first thing about leviathans. And then I realized that beauty is one of those gifts that God gives to whom He pleases. That like the rain, it falls on both the good and the wicked. And that it is not for me to curse the beauty of the Creation, myself included.
I'm but a breath
I'm just a vapor
I am just a grain of sand in your clay
Lord help me understand the depths to who I am in You
You are God and all that I want.
-Vapor, Lystra's Silence
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