I am going to take this opportunity to share with you all how my brain really works and a look into my internal dialogue. This is what my writing and my thoughts and my brain really look like. I have grown really good at translating them to people that are not my kind. The right brained kind. I really wish I could meet Donald Miller for the express purpose of having a conversation in which I don't have to convert things in my brain so that they make sense to other people. My thoughts are like swallows dive-bombing people. I get bored easily. I have a very active imagination and brain though so that helps. I need a lot of intellectual stimulation to keep me occupied. That's where the party in my head comes from. Julie named it that, for the times where you look at me and I am by myself with no one around but I am laughing about something. I am very entertaining if to no one else but to myself. Also my Wonderbra is cutting off my circulation. Small price to pay.
Look it's a chicken! Oh wait, I'm not at home.
I told someone out here that I was a democrat and thought I was going to get taken out back. Lord please prepare our sister Amy for the butt whoopin she is about to receive. Everyone here is really racist. Particularly certain members of my family. The members of my family that make me want to eat carbs.
I have to cover up my Hollister flair with tiny buttons that my friend Jeff from dancing made me. I like Jeff because he is very creative and talented and his last name is Ho and his girlfriend's name is Heidi. This brings much joy to my heart. Anyway back to overpriced teenybopper stores. Hollister cracks me the hell up because it's all surf culture Abercrombie wannabe stuff but they have live streaming video of Huntington Beach (which is really far south) and Hollister California is hecka inland. There are no beaches anywhere near there. I tell this to all the disillusioned youth in the store and ask them if they really want to support a company that lies to them by continuing to purchase their $80 hoochie jean skirts. The answer is usually blank stares. I can rationalize shopping there because I know the truth.
I have been rather grouchy lately, this happens when I have spent 2 consecutive months constantly with people with no Amy time. But I find joy in the small things, like the fact that tonight I blowdryed my hair with a leopard print Hilary Duff hairdryer. Also watching my brother-in-law trying to, and I quote, "feng shui" the living room brings even more joy to my heart. I don't even try to help I just watch and smile. He actually does a pretty good job.
Greater love is none other than this, that I would fry the flesh of swine for my gorgeous nieces to eat on a Saturday morning. And with a smile on my face nonetheless. I have burnt the bacon. Let's try this again with the help of my domestic comrade George Foreman. I don't think there would be a chance in hell that I could ever get married if it wasn't for the invention of the George Foreman grill. My family would starve. We are watching Planet Earth right now. My youngest niece Hayley makes me fastforward through the hunting scenes. She squeals with fright as she chomps on her bacon and watches the baby warthog get taken out.
THe k-5 puggles served communion today in church. It was adorable. Preacher says we need to build stones on the other side of the Jordan so that the children will remember and ask about God. He asked if the child who served me had followed me around all week would they have seen Jesus. I hope so. I have decided to delete all the songs on my Barbie ipod that are about rescuing your addict boyfriend. We are past that now. It is a new day. It has been a new day for many years but it is time to not think about the dark ages anymore.
My mom and dad have this tiny Jack Russell terrier that hides in my dad's armpit when it thunders outside. My dad said my mom needs her for protection when he is out of town. Roxy is about as worthless as my friend Julie's doberman who runs and hides behind her legs anytime someone rings the doorbell.
Sometimes I feel like I am the divorced kid whenever I come to Georgia. My sister is the fun parent. My mom is the bitter parent who snoops through my stuff and reads my emails and talks trash about the other parent. My sister apologized for getting married while I was so young and abandoning me, and not protecting me from our mother. She said it best, that we don't have a mother, we have a daughter named Liz. It is what it is. I am paranoid that she will find out my secrets. She had a good cry about it. I think I managed to squeeze one out.
We were in the mall the other day and I heard one of Jewel's remixes from the pop album she got so much flack about it. I am a die hard Jewel fan. She is my kindred spirit. I am very anti putting people in a creative box. Who am I to squelch and limit her creative expression? Same with Gwen Stefani. I think it's like the artistic equivalent of putting a Big Bird harness on one of the poor little kids running around the mall. Let the puggles run free! I think there are some people in South Africa that would have liked to put one of those on me. I am a free spirit. I don't like rules or being confined.
We spent New Year's at my sister's preacher's house shooting off about $500 worth of illegal fireworks in the front yard. It was a blasty blast. Then we went in and watched the British Santa almost kill himself on a giant jump. I was sitting next to another preacher who was my age and very trendy. We were making fun of the 40-something Sportscasters wearing Mossimo metallic splatter painted t-shirts with a striped velvet popped collar blazer on top. I really wish I lived here so I could go to his church. We played Catchphrase and everyone but me was in their late 30s and early 40s when apparently you start to go blind. Imagine having to get your 11 year old child to help mommy read the clue "jock itch" so that the game can continue.
I made a comment about a soccer mom wallet I got for Christmas and the preacher's wife asked my sister who this skinny young thing was and who invited her to the party to make fun of their wallets. I was almost as afraid at that moment as when my family found out that I am a Democrat. And just like that I will end with no wrap up or conclusion.
*If you have not seen Larry the Cable Guy's Politically Correct Christmas it is a must-Youtube.
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