Mommies, Theology and Refrigerator Magnets

I found faith on the floor of the laundry room today. Literally. We have these word magnets on our fridge that are rather theological in nature. They came with my mandatory Jesus face t-shirt and Jesus fish that I got when I became a Christian. Faith is kind of dirty. Faith has been stepped on. Faith has probably gotten beer spilt on it too. Faith is bent and the edges are peeling off. But Faith still sticks on the fridge. It still holds on and completes the haikus and random sentences that come to my brain as I stand in front of the fridge trying to wake up in the morning.

Faith has been a recurring theme in my life. After much prodding and pushing, God has me right where He wants me. Nice and wrecked. I am happy to say that I have officially come to the end of myself. My decrepid, parasite-lovin body, my dancing that has been dormant for 2 years, my poverty, my lack of ability to create said fantastic relationship which frankly I am rather sick of thinking and talking about and will promise from here on out to never mention again....I am sorry my faithful readers have to keep reading about this recurring theme in my life but hey, you brought this upon yourselves. You're the ones that clicked on my clever title. I know it's hard to resist my shameless self-marketing ploys. :) But I digress.

I was reading my Bible this morning which I haven't done in quite a while. I was getting to the point where I was doing it more out of compliance rather than commitment so I knew I had to take a break. Compliance is based out of fear whereas commitment is based out of love. I have realized lately I still live in an unhealthy fear of God. A fear where if I don't perform or be perfect things just won't work out quite right. That or I will be smited. I don't want to live that way anymore. I was reading Lk 1:1-12. I must have read it 15 times.

Luke 11-4
"So many others have tried their hand at putting together a story of the wonderful harvest of Scripture and history that took place among us, using reports handed down by the original eyewitnesses who served this Word with their very lives. Since I have investigated all the reports in close detail, starting from the story's beginning, I decided to write it all out for you, most honorable Theophilus, so you can know beyond the shadow of a doubt the reliability of what you were taught.

A Childless Couple Conceives

5During the rule of Herod, King of Judea, there was a priest assigned service in the regiment of Abijah. His name was Zachariah. His wife was descended from the daughters of Aaron. Her name was Elizabeth. 6Together they lived honorably before God, careful in keeping to the ways of the commandments and enjoying a clear conscience before God. 7But they were childless because Elizabeth could never conceive, and now they were quite old. 8It so happened that as Zachariah was carrying out his priestly duties before God, working the shift assigned to his regiment, it came his one turn in life to enter the sanctuary of God and burn incense. 9The congregation was gathered and praying outside the Temple at the hour of the incense offering. 11Unannounced, an angel of God appeared just to the right of the altar of incense. 12And Zachariah was paralyzed with fear."

I kept reading verse 6 over and over. I'm afraid it's because I'm not Jesusy enough that I don't have kids. But they didn't have kids either. And they were blameless in the sight of the Lord. And they didn't even know Jesus yet. Maybe an angel of the Lord will visit me soon. And maybe, if my theories of late are correct, having kids is going to look very different for me. For the past 4 years God has really been putting it on my heart that I need to go work in an AIDS orphanage. I never thought this was plausible or possible for that matter, and then a month ago I find myself standing in one face to face with the children I am to love and serve and sleeping next to the daughter of the woman who runs the place for a whole week and having her tell me she wants me to come live with them.

I don't know if I can or will ever have kids of my own. But I do know I will be a mother. I am just realizing now that my children may have been born to others and be infected with a terrible disease and live thousands of miles away. And they are waiting for me to come and wash their faces and sing them to sleep. The past few days I find myself mourning for children I have never met. Children that have not died but will soon. Children that may die in my arms, whose hands I will hold as they give up their spirits to the one who made them. And I will smile through my tears as the angels rejoice that a citizen of heaven has returned home. And that this child who has suffered so much in this life may have joy in the next.

Is this my future? Is this my fate? Must I go alone? I'm afraid. I am really afraid but I am available and willing God. I am willing to be obedient to the call that has been placed on my life. What else can I do? I have peace now. And I have faith. And they are both where they belong back on the refrigerator.